Status quo

All it takes is one. One test. One positive. One cycle. I’m so ready for it to be our one.

Something that’s really been bothering me lately, that I’ve been trying to work through, is how to overcome the status quo while we’re trying to conceive. In general, things continue as they have in the past. If a student is doing well in school, you can assume that they will continue doing well if all else stays equal. If a car maker produces excellent cars or a director makes fantastic movies, you can bet that they’re going to continue doing so. Odds are in favor of the sports team with the best record because you can guess that it will continue, for whatever reason. Now I know that this is SUPER generalized, but you get what I’m saying right? Status quo is hard to change and it’s also hard to think past. You grab the same brand of beverage or the same type of candy without thinking about it because you have liked it in the past and, thus, will most likely enjoy it in the future.

The status quo, for me, is 16 months of no progress. I’m having a hard time believing in optimistic results because my status quo does not support them. My track record is not good (two ovulatory cycles in 16 months), so the odds are against me. And thus, how can I even begin to think that this time could be it? Hell, I can hardly even hope that I’ll ovulate, much less actually conceive. (And don’t even get me started down the path of miscarriages or problems during pregnancy because I quite literally can’t think about that right now.)

Of course, this type of thinking does no good, which is why I’m trying to work through it. I remind myself that it’s true, the status quo is a difficult thing to shake. But! All it takes is one. We only need one positive to have a child in our arms. I remind myself that at the end of this journey – wherever it leads us – this will not be a defining moment for me. If we don’t have children, it will be a decision between the two of us because there is more than one way to have a child. If we do have children, the months it took us to conceive will quickly be overshadowed by their lives. I might one day recount to my daughter my difficulties in getting pregnant, but only so that she might prepare herself for the same. These months will not be part of their life story and it will not end up part of mine.

And thus, I’m tired of the status quo. I’m ready to disrupt it. I’m so ready for this to be the one.