Rinse and Repeat and Repeat

I had another follow up appointment today. Always with the follow up appointments. The recent turn of events meant that this appointment was at least a little more exciting. At least I finally had something positive to report rather than the seemingly endless reports of no change. Even if it just meant everything was more confusing because I ovulated the first time but not the second.

My doctor, as usual, offered to go ahead and refer me to a fertility specialist. I, once again, declined. We have one more option to explore with my GYN first: raising the dose. I was at 50mg of Clomid and I’ve been bumped to 100mg. It’s now or never, in a way. Or at least, now or be-referred-to-a-specialist-because-there’s-nothing-else-I-can-do-for-you.

(On a side note, one thing that I really like about Clomid is that you take it at the beginning of your cycle. In my case, I start on CD 3 which just makes me feel like I’m doing something productive, you know? It makes me feel like I’m taking action.)

So now Luffy and I are back at square one in terms of outcomes. Although, not really, since all roads lead to a fertility specialist now. At that point (three months from now, after, you guessed it, another follow up appointment), we’ll have been trying for over 18 months. If this round of Clomid doesn’t work, we might decide to take a bit of a break from the trying. Give my body a chance to recover a bit from all the hormones (after all, in an anovulatory cycle, I’m taking some sort of hormone-affecting pill for 15 out of 28-ish days). As much as I hate to appear to give in to the JUST RELAXXXXXX people out there, it would be nice to relax a bit. To not have to remember to pee in a cup each morning. To not always track my temperature so diligently (although, tbh, I’d still probably do this just so that my period wouldn’t sneak up on me all crafty like). To not pay $20 a month for wasted ovulation sticks. To not feel so useless each time it doesn’t happen.

I mean, in all honesty, taking a break from the pills and the test sticks and the doctor’s offices doesn’t really mean that I won’t think about it. I’ll probably still get frustrated at each 45-day or 60-day or 150-day cycle. On the other hand, there’s a part of me that’s curious to see if my body would bounce back. Probably not to a perfect 28 day cycle, but maybe something a little longer. I always wonder, when I start the progesterone pills to override a cycle, if I’m just being too impatient. Maybe I won’t ovulate today or tomorrow – but what about the next day or the next week??? Perhaps my body just likes to take its sweet time.

Anyway, I didn’t mean for this post to escape from me and end up sounding so melancholy. I am thrilled that my doctor agreed to continue Clomid. I am somewhat worried about the 100mg dose (I had absolutely no side effects with the first two rounds, but with the higher dosage that might not hold true), but also excited at the prospect that I will once again ovulate and we’ll have a chance at conception! We’ll just have to see where the next three months take us.

(although we all know the destination: another follow up appointment)