Blech. And blugh. And blah.
I seem to be in a bit of a funk lately and I can’t even blame hormones for it this time around. I can’t even really put my finger on it, tbh. I guess I’m just ready for something new or different, instead of the same old routines. A new year usually fills me with optimism, but I just can’t muster the positive vibes this year.
Some of it’s tied to my troubles ovulating. Back in December, I was so, so happy when I successfully ovulated. Even though most women find the two week wait unbearable, I pleasantly sailed through it, over the moon that we even had a chance. A chance! In cold hard numbers, I ovulated twice – TWO TIMES – the entire year last year…. And one of those times I had a deficient luteal phase that wouldn’t have supported conception, even if it had occurred. So basically once. One chance. In an entire year.
And since the Clomid didn’t work this time, I’m feeling more useless than ever before. I’m surrounded by friends and acquaintances who are currently pregnant (a shockingly large percentage of which are due in June so does September have magical, fertile properties???) and while I’m so happy for them, I’m also floundering a bit. I’ve been very proud of myself so far in that I’ve been 100% focused on them (when talking with them) and have genuinely felt nothing but happiness and love and support for them. But then off they go and I’m left feeling a bit deflated and sad. Empty, I suppose, would be the best descriptor.
Beyond that, I just don’t know. Perhaps the doldrums are a sign that I need to change jobs. Or find a new hobby. Pick up a new book (speaking of which, I just got to check out The Girl on the Train and I am very excited about it) or make a new recipe (and, now that I’m thinking about it, last night we tried a slow-cooker black bean soup that was very delicious (I won’t link to the recipe cause I immediately changed it, so I’m no help there)).
So maybe that’s the key to shaking these January blues. Stop focusing on summing up 2015 as year of failure re: conception.
Note to self: Don’t focus on the past.
Another note to self: Find small things to look forward to, even if it’s hard sometimes.
Another note to self: Stop talking to yourself….
(I feel like I’m giving myself a pep talk. Perhaps in the bathroom mirror. You can do this Belle and woo!! and ENTHUSIASM. And also cat.
I’ve always found that writing things/feelings out helps me work through them. It’s cathartic and self-healing to write down, in black and white, what I’m feeling. Anyway, thanks for listening.