Where to begin… Honestly I can’t even update right now because I’m home sick, curled up on the couch watching Friends and trying not to move much. I had that first tickle of illness on Christmas Day and I’ve been going downhill ever since. Here’s to hoping that gallons of water, ramen soup, a warm bath, and a near endless supply of chocolate chip cookies will help me kick this virus.
That’s me. That’s what I’m doing right now. I technically have
three two and a half days of work left and I am already so over them it’s not even funny. I am done. DONE I TELL YOU. I keep making comments about “working” from home the rest of the week, but my coworkers laugh and I try to pretend I was joking.
It didn’t help that I got in this morning and everyone in my office was being all productive and shit. Didn’t y’all get the memo about Christmas being this week!! I swear the admin sent it out on Friday….
Alack and alas, I have two and a half days to appear productive. To get up in the morning and put pants on. To not eat one or all of the 1,325,749 cookies/sweets/snacks we have in our kitchen at work right now. True story*.
I’ve already planned the menu for this weekend with my parents. There will be braised short ribs and sous vide steak and morning bread pudding (with caramel!). There will be chocolate chip cookies and linzer cookies and brownies. There will be champagne and wine and whiskey. There will be Star Wars! There will be so many, many delicious thing and so many, many wonderful moments and I want them all RIGHTNOW.
*My office is very small. We have fourteen people who are routinely in the office. And all of our vendors and business contacts seem to forget this during the holiday season. We get cookie baskets with cookies for literally 50 people. We get actual trunks filled with crackers and cheeses and meats and chocolates. We get candy and toffee and
more cookies no more than that. And many places will send something to each of our three partners – and all of that winds up in the kitchen. So we have three baskets of cookies and three trunks of snacks and fourteen boxes of toffee since they sent one to every person in the office. There is probably a metric ton of sugar in our kitchen right now, just waiting to be eaten and turned into those four or five pounds of “holiday weight” we all struggle to lose each year. There is no hope! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES…. or at least for your hip and thigh region.
Question: At what point in a fading relationship do you stop reaching out? At what point do you, metaphorically, call it quits and stop calling/emailing/texting? At what point do you admit that that person, whomever they may be, doesn’t mean the same thing to you anymore?
My title makes it seem like I have an answer to my question, but I don’t. It’s something I’m working through right now.
I have (had?) a best friend, Liz (who I first talked about here). To recap, Liz was my best friend all through school. We were inseparable until our life paths diverged. I moved away while she stayed put. I got married while she doesn’t date. I am trying to have a child and Liz has always been fairly certain she doesn’t want children (I’ll be your children’s Aunt Liz she always told me). Since I wrote that original post, we’ve exchanged one round of catch-up emails and one round of happy-birthday texts.
I found out today, via Facebook, that she’s approaching a major milestone in her life. She’s graduating from Grad school this spring (I knew that much), and then she’s moving away from our hometown because she received a full-time job offer. It’s something that’s in her field of expertise, and one of her dream jobs actually – if not quite her dream location (she’s still going to be in West Texas and I know she’d love to move some place like Colorado or New Mexico if she could). A huge moment for her. And I found out through Facebook.
To be fair, in this day and age a lot of information gets disseminated through Facebook, even if it’s something important. Almost especially if it’s something important (let’s face it, it’s fun to see those Likes add up!). But it did make me question – is it too late for our friendship? And will I kick myself later on in life if I’ve let our relationship fall by the wayside?
Lately, our emails have become shorter and shorter. Quick updates about ourselves and our families. We don’t text. I tried to get her to Gchat with me, but that didn’t go over. We’ve been looking for ways to make our communication easier and faster (like I said in my first post, laziness probably kept us friends for far longer than it should have), but nothing’s worked out so far. Plus, over electronic communication, the spark and pop that made our friendship shine isn’t there. Or has it faded with time? We haven’t talked to each other on the phone in so long that I have no idea if it’s still there.
And while it would be far easier to stop emailing or calling and demote the woman who once was my BFF to Facebook friend, will I be ok with that decision? In ten years, will I look back and truly miss her and regret that I didn’t keep making the effort? Right now it feels like I’m the only one in the relationship making any effort (I’m always the one who initiates our communication), but perhaps once she’s settled into a job – will she have more time to chat? Or maybe if she eventually gets married – will we find common ground again? Or maybe once I have children – will she make the effort to be involved in their lives like she once promised me she would?
I feel like I’m on a precipice right now. I can either keep up the friendship, even though it’s already feeling one-sided. Or I can sit back and let it fade. We all know that friendships – relationships – take work. They don’t just happen, so I won’t kid myself that our friendship would magically continue if we were to both stop trying. Part of me is interested to see if I would ever hear from her again, but the other half of me doesn’t want to test that. And, let’s be honest, I’m sure there are thousands upon thousands of “childhood friends” that didn’t make it into “adulthood friends.”
But, there’s so much history between me and Liz. We spent so much time together when we were young. We laughed so hard and knew just how to make each other smile. I’m not ready to give up on that yet. I’m not ready to let her fade away.
So I’m not sure when I’ll stop putting in the effort to reach out to her, to say hello and ask her how her life is going, but it won’t be today. Today I’ll email her, ask her about her new job and wish her the very best.
I have gotten all of my Christmas shopping done.
Whew. Christmas always sort of sneaks up on me. Like, I’m merrily going about my business through my birthday and Thanksgiving… I turn the calendar (so to speak, of course, who has an actual wall calendar anymore other than my grandparents and in-laws??) to December and then I’m like …. oh yeah that. EVERY YEAR. You’d think I’d learn to start looking/scoping out gifts before Thanksgiving. Or perhaps diligently gather intel over Thanksgiving on what everyone wants. But no, every year I just skip through November and have a mini meltdown come December over what to get everybody.
But! I’m done for the year! And only half of the presents are gift cards, so yay me!! (While I personally love getting gift cards cause it means I can shop when I want (rather than being forced to buy seasonal items), I don’t necessarily like to give gift cards because I always feel slightly lazy about it. Like, here, I couldn’t think of anything else so here’s a gift card. Another neurosis unfortunately.) Most of the wrapping is already done as well, since I love wrapping (and Jas always helps out!).
In other holiday news, I got our Christmas cards all written up and addressed this weekend. I’m waiting for Luffy to buy me some stamps and then they’ll be in the mail! We’ll send out an even twenty this year to friends and family. I’m a little disappointed with some of my extended family, tbh. When I was growing up, my parents would get dozens of cards. We’d line them all up on the piano and admire the glitter or metallic embellishments and read the short updates or long family letters. I so enjoyed getting holiday cards and, when I first moved out, eagerly looked forward to getting a couple in the mail. But no cards arrived. I figured they still counted me as part of my parents’ household. The Christmas after Luffy and I got married, I thought we’d at least get a few extra. We were married! We bought a house! Send us your holiday cheer! But few cards arrived. I’m still hoping though.
One last bit of holiday prepping that is loved and cherished by all – I scrubbed the toilets yesterday. Now they’re spic and span for my parents’ pleasure. If they’re into that thing, you know. I don’t ask any questions.
Back in September, I
gave my thoughts aired my grievances with tracking my basal body temperature. I was just coming through my five month dry spell, so forgive me for being quick to judge BBT tracking. In the interest of a fair and partial review (since I know that’s what you come here for), I have decided to update my original update.
I have finally realized the usefulness of BBT tracking – FINALLY!! Which, if you’re a savvy BBT charter, you probably realized my mistake right off the bat. I was focused on charting and analyzing every day, rather than at the crucial window. Over the summer, I blamed the method when I couldn’t see the shift. I basically stuck my fingers in my ears and hummed a loud LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU rather than admitting that perhaps it wasn’t the method that was flawed, but my non-performing ovaries.
With my first round of Clomid, I have realized the beauty of taking your BBT. Yesterday morning, my BBT rose above 98, meaning somewhere in my body, a little corpus luteum is releasing progesterone to stave off a period in the hopes that a little egg was fertilized. In other words, it means I did indeed ovulate. Score one for BBT!
Tracking my BBT over the next couple of weeks will remain useful. I know that if I see it drop back below 98, I’m probably not pregnant and should watch out for an impending period. The longer it stays above 98 (through the end of the two week wait), the higher the probability that we conceived. Another point for BBT!
So, it has it’s uses and I’m glad that I discovered it back in June. It wasn’t the miracle worker that I had hoped (as I mentioned back in my original “review”), but I shouldn’t have looked at it that way to begin with. BBT tracking is just a tool to gain insight. Nothing more. Over the summer, my body wasn’t ovulating. BBT didn’t reveal anything because there was nothing to reveal. (I feel like I need to insert a gif of a woman with a light bulb that lights up over her head and then smashes against her head…. you know, to show how ridiculous my eureka! moment is since no shit Sherlock… anyone got one of those??)
Anyway, read between the lines and I’m essentially answering the question from the end of my last post…
Yes I have indeed ovulated. Yes I’m officially in my two week wait. Yes it’s the first time we even have the slightest chance of conceiving in over eight months.
As of the end of Friday afternoon, I was all set to write a different post today. In fact, I had already started typing it up – all about how Clomid wasn’t working and I was so upset that I was, of course – OF COURSE, part of the 20% that don’t ovulate while on it. My symptoms (bloated abdomen, tender ovaries) had completely subsided. For days. My cervical fluid was returning to a non-fertile consistency. And I was still getting completely negative ovulation test results each morning (there wasn’t even a test line to compare to the control, that’s how negative they were). I spent Friday afternoon researching next steps after failed Clomid. I technically had three days left in my ten day window, but I was already past the “average” ovulation date and, with my vanishing symptoms, I had pretty much given up on this cycle.
Then, Saturday morning, I took another ovulation test literally out of habit. (I had briefly contemplated not testing anymore and saving the expensive tests I had purchased explicitly for use with Clomid.) I barely glanced at it when it came time to read the results and was floored to find a smiling face on the testing window.
It was positive.
I was ecstatic.
Of course, a positive result doesn’t necessarily mean that I actually ovulated. I’m still waiting on my BBT (basal body temperature) to corroborate that. And even if I did ovulate, the chances of conceiving are still low (about 30%, only slightly higher than normal).
But still, for the first time since March, we actually have a shot at conception this month. I’m officially in my two week wait. Keep your fingers crossed for us!