This week has not been easy for me.
I ended my last round of hormones on Sunday evening and have felt the effects of the crash and impending period all week. I’ve been emotional and weepy, inconsolably unhappy one minute and lusty and in love the next. The weather hasn’t helped; the past few days have been overcast and gray here in Dallas – a stark departure from the normally blue skies and crisp days of Fall.
I met another period (read another failed cycled) with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. Although, the day it started, I felt barraged by pregnancies (other women’s, of course) as I encountered a few pregnant friends and then the quintessential surprise-pregnancy-plot on TV. You know how it is, when you want something, suddenly you start seeing it everywhere.
Yesterday was particularly rough on me. The sky was gray. My wing of the office was deserted for lunch and the halls were quiet. I was reading a blog, cheerfully clicking through the pages, when a crushing wave hit me. I’m not really even sure what triggered it as I wasn’t reading about anything particularly triggering, but it was all I could do not to burst into tears. I thought about calling Luffy, but knew that I would lose it if I heard his voice. Instead, I reached out to him via Gchat and hoped he was available. He was. And he must have sensed the desperation behind my innocuous words because he stuck around, doing his best to cheer me up. He assured me that everything was ok – that we’re ok and I’m all right and he’s all right. That our future, no matter what it is, will be ok because we’ll be together. He then switched tactics and was bound and determined to make me laugh. He gave me his full attention for all the time he had and then made sure that I was really ok before going off to
save the world probably put together some spreadsheets ASAP.
When I got home, he had gone to the store to surprise me with a dinner of wine and cheese – my favorite indulgence. Then we watched football as the weather turned nasty.
Dealing with fertility problems can feel so isolating. People don’t really talk about it much. (Not that I blame them because it’s not like I’m using my real name for this. The veil of anonymity makes me bolder.) It’s a depressing topic without any sort of concrete resolution and most of us have already researched everything we can, so we’re typically not even hoping for a solution from someone….. which means why talk about it in the first place, right? You’re just going to depress everyone, there’s no foreseeable happy ending, and no one can really offer any sort of advice. On top of all that, it’s an intensely personal topic. This is not something I’ve shared with any coworkers, obviously, and the few times I’ve spoken about it with friends have gone very poorly (either drunkenly blurting out exaggerated half-truths of I’m barren!!! or awkwardly trying to discuss cycles but not really TMI and my apologies to your husband whom I just met half an hour ago).
So with all that, I feel so incredibly blessed to have Luffy by my side – to have his support and encouragement. I’ve read several stories from couples claiming to have strengthened their bond while they dealt with infertility and I can see why now. Through the challenges and the uncertainty, Luffy has been there to pick me up and keep me stronger so that I can continue to be healthy in our quest for a child. And I can’t thank him enough for it.