Fertile Myrtle….. or not

So that was fun. We should do it again sometime.

The doctor’s visit went well. I got my first sonogram! The sonogram tech was so cute. She couldn’t believe it was my first time and apologized that it had to be with cold gel. They sure do know what they’re doing because she was pointing out my organs left and right and I was just sitting there like wuhh?? That shadow is different from that shadow is different from that blobby blob?? Regardless, it was a pretty cool view. Although, I imagine it’s a bit more exciting when you’re there to view a baby, and not just an empty uterus. Just a hunch though.

My doc couldn’t give me any concrete answer, obviously, as it was the first “infertility” appointment. I had a few red flags for PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome), but again, no official diagnosis. The (somewhat) good news is that it looks like my body has tried to ovulate over the past 137 days, it just hasn’t been successful. So with that, my doc and I want to focus on helping my body establish a regular cycle. I picked up a prescription for a progesterone pill that will mimic the last 14 days of my “cycle.” And yes, I’m essentially taking birth control to try to get pregnant. Figure that one out. Bodies – so weird!

What I really came away with though is a plan, which I badly needed (I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that Luffy and I are planners – it’s what we do). So! A plan of action. A timeline. And better yet! A deadline for if-things-aren’t-getting-better. So yay! I have marching orders now. Makes me feel so much better.

I really am so glad that I went ahead and went in. As much as I didn’t want to truly acknowledge the fact that my body needs help (am ostrich with head firmly in the sand), I needed it. I was talking with Luffy just this morning about fears. My mom had a difficult time staying pregnant. She had five miscarriages before she had me. That knowledge, combined with the fact that I have always wanted children, bred a fear of not being able to have a child. Even up until a year ago, one of my worst fears was that I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. I would tear up when any TV show or movie introduced the trite story line – any show! Or commercial! I would break down into actual sobbing during some shows (Charlotte in Sex and the City or Izumi in Fullmetal Alchemist, if that’s more your thing). Luffy would hold me and soothe me and promise me that we would be ok, no matter what.

Oddly, it took me about ten months to realize that I sort of am right there, where I always feared. True, it hasn’t been all that long – certainly not years of trying or anything. But, there’s also the small point that my body just flat out isn’t ovulating. If it continues, there will be no conception. And yet, I’m not scared or nervous or depressed. Before yesterday, I didn’t pay it too much attention. Now that I have a plan, I feel calm and more in control. Interesting the way things work. I’m right there, right in my ultimate-scary-scenario, and yet it’s all right. I will be all right. We will be all right. We’ll just keep trying.

Confession time! I really wanted to add “just keep swimming” to the end of that cause it makes me think of Dory and that makes me smile. But then I also thought of a certain male genetic matter swimming about and that was quite appropriate but then made me laugh for junior-high-maturity-level reasons so I left it off. But now I’m telling you about it anyway because clearly, I have the maturity of a twelve year old boy.

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