So how was your weekend? I had an emotional breakdown, so that was fun.
A lesson to all the ladies out there: hormones + alcohol + sun = 45 minute crying jags in a van packed full of people (who are probably all trying to tune you out because seriously you have been crying for 45 minutes already).
Ugh. Just ugh you guys. It was not a pretty afternoon Saturday. Luffy was so, so upset with me (and rightly so). I just completely lost it. I was telling people that I’m barren and bawling my eyes out and telling Luffy to just leave me behind. Every over-the-top, dramatic ploy that you have ever seen a girl pull, I tried it. And I am not proud. I am completely ashamed. It was a bad combination of too much alcohol, too much sun, too little food, too little water, and coming off of a strong hormone therapy treatment.
And the thing that really sucks about all of it is that I hurt Luffy. A lot. I blabbed things that no one else needed (or even wanted) to know about my fertility issues. I pushed him away. I made his already stressful week terribly worse. I pulled him away from one of his best friend’s birthday celebrations to basically take his drunk, hormonal wife home AND then tried to make the problem his fault.
Good wife status: FAILED
The issue at the heart of it all is my fertility, or possibly lack thereof. Luffy feels like I’m terribly pessimistic about it, and I try to tell him that’s not true. Of course, a weekend like this past one doesn’t really go in my favor. However, if I’m really honest, I don’t think I’m upset over infertility. The end result is that Luffy and I will have a child (yay! adorable Chinese babies and milestones and birthdays and school!!) or that we won’t (yay! travel and early retirement and sharing my life with the most amazing person I know!!). I’m comfortable with either of those options and, while yes, I would be sad about not being able to conceive a child with Luffy (have I mentioned how amazing he is??? it’s totally my responsibility to carry on those genes), I would be ok. Luffy and I would have each other and our fur baby and that’s ok.
So it’s not truly the infertility that’s got me upset. If I’m brutally honest with myself – deep breath – brutally, totally honest – furtive glances to make sure no one is paying attention – I think it’s the chance to play victim. To have something wrong with me. To gain instant sympathy and pain-Olympic points. To brave-little-toaster it through and have people give me hugs and words of encouragement. That’s the way it goes right? You’re either the annoying girl who gets pregnant two weeks after she finishes up birth control or you’re the person who tries for years and decades and FINALLY manages to get pregnant (or not – more pain-Olympic points). There is no award for taking “a while” or for needing hormones to restart your period but then successfully conceiving. But then that’s bullshit too – there’s no award PERIOD.
When I was sobering up (on our loooooong car ride home Saturday night), I told Luffy that I hadn’t really talked to my mom (practically my best friend) about any of these issues. I told him it’s cause I didn’t want to get her hopes up. And that’s 100% true. I don’t want to get her hopes up and I do hope to surprise her one day with incredible news. But, I also haven’t talked much about it because the sane, rational side of my brain knows that there’s just not that much to talk about. So I haven’t had a period for five months and need hormones to restart it – so what? So we’ve been trying for almost a year and haven’t had any luck yet – so what? We’re young, there’s still plenty of time. Even though it’s on my brain a lot (because it’s my body, so of course it is) doesn’t mean that it needs to be rehashed over and over again, ad nauseam. No one would want to talk with me if all I could talk about was my ovaries.
So I haven’t talked it over as much as I could (note – I didn’t say “as much as I should” – I think I’ve talked through it with Luffy and my mom and here all that I needed), but somehow this translated into a complete meltdown Saturday because WHINE WHINE WHINE – poor wittle Belle. Not a proud moment guys. Three of my worst habits came through in a single, horrible afternoon: (1) my rocky relationship with alcohol, (2) my tendency to play the victim if backed into a corner, and (3) pushing Luffy away instead of opening up.
Feels good to get it off my chest.
I’m working through all of these, by the way. One of the shocking parts about being an adult is realizing that the “growing up” never really ends. We can always improve ourselves, work to correct the weaknesses. Pinpointing the issue, or issues, that are at the root of undesirable behaviors and fixing it. It’s ok to be unhappy with something you’ve done, as long as you take steps to work on it. It’s been a long time since I’ve shut down like that, which tells me that I still have more work to do, but also that I’ve come a long way. I try to stay open with Luffy. I try to keep a fairly tight reign on my alcohol consumption. I haven’t felt the need to play the victim in years. (Seriously, years – that whole thing stems back to my abusive ex and was a ploy he used to use on me. That’s where I picked the damn habit up.)
The point is, I try. I failed this weekend, but that’s ok.
No use crying over spilled milk, right? No way through it but through and all those other trite sayings. Luffy has forgiven me. I doubt my behavior was as disruptive as it feels like to me (hopefully I was sobbing quietly??). Regardless, our friends will forgive my breakdown. Perhaps one day we’ll all laugh about the time Belle lost her shit over some margaritas on the river.