The third circle of hell (aka CD 127)

Cycle Day 127 – also known as more than 4.5 times the length of the “average” cycle.

So today, I broke down and made an appointment with my GYN (re: CD 127!). I chuckled to myself when I made the appointment because the dialogue went a little something like this:

me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment to see Dr E.

[pertinent identifying medical type info redacted to protect patient confidentiality]

nurse: …and what would you like to see him for?

me: Well, I’m trying to get pregnant and I haven’t had a period since March.

nurse: I see. Are you pregnant?

me: No, no, definitely not. That’s kind of the whole point.

nurse: I see. And you haven’t had a cycle since March?

me: That’s correct.

nurse: And you’ve taken a pregnancy test?

me: Yes. Several, in fact. Lots. Numerous.

nurse: I see. Any other symptoms?

me: You mean like the swollen belly and the puking and the food aversions and the weight gain? Nothing other than that. (I figured that’s what she was actually expecting to hear and was hugely disappointed when I had no other symptoms to report.)

nurse: I see. So no symptoms, and no cycle, and you’ve taken a pregnancy test?

me: (starts to mention that she’s already asked me that – closes mouth) Yes. Several, in fact. Numerous.

I was tempted to break down the math for her to confirm that yes, I had actually taken two pregnancy tests a week (Wednesday and Saturday – can you tell I like routine?) since …. oh about mid-May. So yes ma’am, I’ve taken approximately 22 pregnancy tests this “cycle” give or take. For funsies. And also so I’m not that person giving birth in a mall bathroom because I didn’t know that I was pregnant. That too.

My temperature dropped this morning, it had been elevated since July 9th. Expert charters are likely to say that this could mean my period is right around the corner (elevated progesterone levels post-ovulation keep the body’s temperature higher until your period arrives). Although, please keep in mind that by “dropped” and “elevated” I’m talking about less than half a degree of difference. It literally all comes down to the difference between my base line temp of 97.4 and my “elevated” temp of 97.8. This is ….. not that big of a difference, especially given the fact that lots of things can effect it like drinking alcohol the night before (which I’m prone to do) or when my cat sleeps on me at night or when I wake up in the middle of the night to pee but it’s too close to morning. I’m suspecting that it simply being so damn hot outside is also screwing with it.

Point is, my chart says my period’s around the corner.

My fancy app pinged me today all excited because, based on recent information, it would like to update my expected fertility window! To four days ago! Through this Wednesday! Yay! Aren’t you proud!! Make sure you have lots of sex!!! But not too much sex as that could affect your partner’s sperm count!!!! Wheeeeeeee!!!!!!

Point is, my app says my body’s near ovulation.

Point is the third, no one knows what the hell my body’s doing. In general, I try not to dwell on it. It upsets Luffy, when I get all mopey and sad. From my perspective, I try to explain to him that it’s upsetting on a fundamental level. I mean, I am a female. My body is supposed to do this. Women are supposed to get a period once-ish a month, just like men are supposed to get erections or, maybe more accurately, like humans are supposed to breathe and digest food. It just happens and this is something that my body should be doing. And it’s not simply the fact that we’re trying and haven’t conceived or that we conceived but miscarried – my body’s not doing a basic bodily function. End of story. There is no trying if my body won’t or can’t do this.

But, from his perspective, thinking like this doesn’t help anything. It’s not good for me, either mentally or physically, to be sad or envious. We saw a pregnant woman while we were out at dinner Saturday night. After a couple of glasses of wine, I lamented to Luffy how seeing her just reminded me of everything my body wasn’t doing and I proceeded to try to throw myself an epic pity party. I say try cause Luffy was having none of it. He reminded me that we didn’t know anything about that woman, or how hard she might have tried, or what she might have gone through. I had no right to be envious of her body. Beyond that, what good did it do me, to carry that negativity around? None – so snap out it. And this is why I love Luffy. As infuriating as it is when I’m basically trying to rustle up some sympathy points and he won’t give any to me, it is also so so good for me. Luffy doesn’t let me indulge in pointless pity parties unless they’re truly worth it (and he’s getting quite good at discerning between the two). I’m in a much better place, mentally, because he’s my partner.

Anyway, I sort of got derailed there, where were we?

Ahh yes, doctor’s appointment. It’s next week. I’ll keep y’all updated.