Limbo

Ugh… that about sums up how I feel right now. Without going seriously into TMI territory, suffice it to say that my body is not cooperating with our plans for a baby. I’m in what’s known as the “two week wait,” or 2WW for short. For the uninitiated, that’s the period between ovulation and menstruation, or the waiting period to find out whether you’re pregnant. The thing is though, I’ve already surpassed my weird 2ww window (which is actually only about nine days) and I don’t have anything to show for it. No positive pregnancy test, no period, nothing. I’m caught between the two and I have no way of knowing. And it sucks. Not just because I might not be pregnant, but also because now it’s making me wonder if I even ovulated. With no period on the horizon, what if the positive ovulation test was just a fluke. What if this cycle is going to go well beyond the already lengthy 72 days it’s at now?

Last year, when Luffy and I and our families visited China, we did a hike in Hong Kong. It was a two hour hike over a mountain to get to a beautiful secluded beach. Luffy had done a leg of it before, but we decided to hike a different trail to get back. When we set out, we thought it would be shorter than the two hour hike in. Unfortunately, the trails aren’t as clearly documented as they could and, at the two hour mark with no village in sight, we were beginning to get concerned. I remember hiking along, each of us becoming more and more weary. We had eaten a small lunch at the beach and had some snacks, but no real food. Our water was slowly dwindling. Our feet hurt. I was sunburned. Morale was waning. And then, over the next hill, a street! A bus stop!! Salvation!!

Looking back, the second leg only took us about two and half hours and was actually an easier hike as far as elevation and terrain goes. I told Luffy that, had we to do it over again, I would gladly take that path. The bad only came from not knowing when we would reach the end point. That’s exactly how I feel now. I have no idea when my next period will come. It could be in a couple of hours or days or weeks. I wish I could know.

And so, I’m in a strange place. Do I continue taking pointless pregnancy tests each morning, even when each negative starts to weigh a bit heavier on my heart? Do I resume ovulation testing in case two weeks ago was a fluke? Do I stop testing all-together and just hope that my cycle resets soon? I have no idea; I just want out of this place.

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